Attachment theory has shown that children only feel secure about themselves and others if they feel loved by their parents, mainly the mother. This does not stop when we become adults, but we tend to transfer the need to be loved from our parents to our partner. When we feel loved the relationship is like a safe haven from which we launch into the world. We also feel confident and good about ourselves.

However, if this love is threatened through relationship difficulties, we typically fight to get this love back. Sometimes we fight constructively to overcome relationship problems, such as talking, or doing new things together. But sometimes we do things that feel right at the time, but are destructive to a relationship, such as attacking or withdrawing from our partner, being sarcastic or defensive etc. Particularly when we feel hurt by our partner we tend to feel justified doings such things, because they make us feel better temporarily, but they erode the relationship long term.

In relationship counselling I endeavour to establish an atmosphere of safety so that each partner can express their needs (including the need to be loved) and encourage both partners to really listen and understand each other. I help each partner to see that behind the other partner's seemingly dysfunctional behaviour there is a need to be loved and a vulnerability that we all share.